The MacGuffin

In The Gruesome Death of Tommy Pistol (2010), a metal guy is trying to make it big in Hollywood with, yes, you knew it, acting. He gets an audition for a snuff film producer. The metal guy, apparently, is a born natural at this killing stuff, mainly because he doesn’t know it’s real. Once he does, he doesn’t seem to be able to go back to normal life.

Some people like movies where the “monster” is shown, and some people like it when the suspense and action put images in your head that could never be adequately visualized on film (sadly, fans of computer generated imaging don’t believe in the latter). Bigfoot: The Lost Coast Tapes is an independent film from Steve Barker, shot as a documentary. This film doesn’t show the monster, and supports that decision by providing plenty of suspense and hints to keep the viewer stuck to their seat. Despite the running, yelling, and flashes of …something… in the woods, the film is surprisingly well put together and competent.

Razortooth is another forgettable film about a genetically mutated swamp creature that escapes and begins killing innocent townspeople. This film is totally different, though, since it’s a killer EEL instead of a crocodile or shark. Oh wait, it isn’t different at all. And of course, the eel can slither on land and attack people by flying through the air. The producers (one of whom was only slightly associated with The Devil’s Rejects) should have demanded the eel was electric or had some other modified super power, rather than just growing to super-eel length. Maybe that would have held my attention longer than this particular plot.

Doomed to Consume (2006) starts out like a first-person shooter game, killing zombies POV with a shotgun in the woods. Very motion-sickness inducing. Flash to a kitchen with knocked-over chairs, and then to a cornfield. A redheaded girl is in a house lounging around in slutty clothes while holding a shotgun. A random girl crawls into the redhead’s yard because a zombie is chasing her. The redhead shoots the zombie and takes the random girl inside to fix up her injured leg.

Shutter (2008) is a horror film that was shot in Japan and tells the story of a newly married couple who can’t get rid of a ghost. The husband is a photographer, sent to Japan on a long-term assignment, who brings his wife along to enjoy the city while he works. The ghost starts making trouble for them and she tries to get to the bottom of it. Oh, she gets to the bottom, alright…

Wound is an independent horror film from David Blyth that takes the viewer through a sort of sado-masochistic, sexually dysfunctional, mentally disturbed Australian woman’s spiral into bizarro-world. There’s plenty of bodily fluids, yelling, gravedigging, mask-wearing, and gratuitous breasts to satiate the average horror fan, but the plot isn’t linear at all. If you’re planning to see the film, read up online to help you fill in the gaps the film doesn’t divulge…and good luck with THAT.

Michael Haneke’s Funny Games (1997) is a film about a family enjoying their vacation lake home. They get set up in their home for a short stay and some friends of the neighbor’s come to visit. Things go south quickly.

I would try to explain to you how 3D pornography blurs the line between awesome and horrific, as well as disgusting and hilarious, but I can’t. Suffice it to say, it isn’t arousing. It wasn’t arousing in the ’70s, and watching a movie from the ’70s in the 2010s STILL isn’t arousing. However, watching adult films with 100 other people in a large mainstream theater IS pretty awesome. (This isn’t the first 3D “blue movie” I’ve watched with a large crowd of people, sadly.)

My Afternoons with Margueritte (two Ts) is one of the best movies I’ve seen in a long time and arguably the best French movie I’ve ever seen. I don’t say this lightly, as I’ve watched numerous French films. It’s different than most of the ones I’ve seen, but it is a feel-good movie that I wasn’t expecting at all. The film stars Gérard Depardieu and Gisèle Casadesus, who play 100% believable small-town French folks who stumble upon a passion they both share.

Primeval is a film about a bloodthirsty alligator, based on a supposed true event. The giant alligator is wreaking havoc throughout Africa, and the villagers are getting scared to go in the water, despite it being their life source. Some American journalists are sent over to do a story on it and to capture the alligator, but the beast isn’t having it.